Patron Saints are we all lost like you?

Sigh..... Its hard when you repress memories to forget them so that you don't have to feel anything and then they come back to you. Like our last night together holding eachother so closely not wanting to loose eachother but knowing that the end has come. I don't want to remember that night I want to forget it. I want to repress it. I want to never think about it ever again. I don't want that night in my memory. I don't want our last week together in my memory. The hurt and anger and worry and praying that this wasn't the end praying that this was a dream that it would all go away and that it never happened. That we would have our happily ever afer that all of our fights would end and that your drinking would end. Sometimes I wish that that would still have happened that I would be living with you and that we would be happy forever and ever. I just wish I could go back to what I had. Its to hard to face the future alone. I have friends who I love dearly but I miss our companionship. Somedays its still hard to go to sleep and I still dream about you everynow and then. I think deep down I know that we would have never worked out but It was a nice dream that ended to quickly in my opinion. And the worst thing is that I never saw it coming. I wish I could talk to you and yell at you and tell you how much you hurt me. Everynow and then I wish that you would call me and apologize and ask for me to come back to you. But I know that won't happen. I am also mad that you slept with a whore and "fell in love" with her so soon after what we had ended. Did I ever mean anything to you at all? I know I did but it still makes me question it.

Life is so stressful lately. No job, and little money. I have an interview tommorrow and I am praying that I get the job. I really need it. I need alot of things. Alot I know I will have to wait for. I just hope this isn't something that I will have to wait for. I just need a break. I need a week, a day to not stress to not worry and to just be.

I wish that some people saw me more than just a piece of ass. I have gotten to many texts lately from people wanting a booty call. Its like I have feelings and emotions. I think sometimes I may do it just to stop the pain for just a little while. I just don't know how much longer I can do this. Be rejected, be made into an object, be overlooked, be forgotten. I have had several friends lately forget me just because someone "better" came along.

I have been listening to Anberlin alot. I reheard Fin today and it seems fitting for me and my life lately.

Feels like I'm miles from here in other towns
With lesser names where lonely ghost doesn't tell
Merry old William exactly what they want to hear
You remember the house that we drew
Told you and the devil to both just leave me alone
If this is salvation I can show you the trembling
You'll just have to trust meI'm scared
I am the patron saint of lost causes
Aren't we all to you just near lost causes
Are we all to you just lost?
Tell me you're left behind
Something you'll mean everything right before you die
But if you gain the world
You've already lost four little souls from your life
Widows and orphans are hard to find
Their home is in daddy who's saving you random tonight
Where's your drink? And would hurry and kill you
Sympathy's better than having to tell you the truth
That you are the patron saint of lost causes
All you are to them is now a lost cause
All you are to them is now causes
Billy, don't you understand?
Timothy stood as long as he could
You made his faith disappear
More like a magician
And less like a man of the cloth
We're not questioning God
Just those he chose to carry on his cause
We'll grow better, you'll see
Just all of us, the lost causesAren't we all to you just lost causes?
Aren't we all to you lost?Lost causes
Aren't we all to you
Is all we are, is all we are
What we are is all we are
Patron Saint, are we all lost like you?
Patron Saint, are we all lost like you?
Patron Saint, are we all lost like you?
Patron Saint, are we all lost like you?
Patron Saint, are we all lost like you? (Lost causes, all we are is all we are)
Patron Saint, are we all lost like you? (To you, lost...
)Patron Saint, are we all lost like you?
Patron Saint, are we all lost like you?
Patron Saint, are we all lost like you?
They just saved all of the lost, like you
They just saved all of the lost, like you
They just saved all of the lost, like you
He just saved all of the lost, like you
They just saved all of the lost, like you(Lost causes, we are is all we are)
They just saved all of the lost, like you(To you, lost causes)
They just saved all of the lost, like you
They just saved all of the lost, like you
They just saved all of the lost, like you
He just saved
Take what you will, what you will
And leave. Could you kill, could you kill me
If the world was on fire and nothing was left but hope or desire
And take all that I could bring forth, is this hell
Or am I on the floor over-desperate?
Hold hands streaming of blood again?
And then take full weight of me Guard my dreams, figure this out, It's me on my own.
Helpless, hurting, hell
Will you stay strong as you promised?
Cause I'm stranded and bare.
Meanness is washed up in all that I am is God.
Take this and all,Then grace takes me to a place
Of the father you never had
Ripping and breaking and tearing apart
This is not heaven
This is my hell.
Its an amazing song. I recommend checking it out.

Thats it for me I think. Hopefully my feeling of feeling like a lost cause will end soon.

I'm sorry

- I'm sorry i hurt you
-i'm sorry im not the friend you need me to be
- i'm sorry that i was living a lie with you
- i'm sorry that i may have said some horrible things about you
- i'm sorry i didn't believe you
-i'm sorry i lost your friendship
- i'm sorry that i still think about you
- i'm sorry i still want you
- i'm sorry that i don't want you
-i'm sorry that i think horrible things about you
- i'm sorry that i never gave you a chance
- i'm sorry i gave you another chance
- i'm sorry i lied to you
- i'm sorry i dreamed of being with you forever
- i'm sorry i strayed away
- i'm sorry i'm still straying farther away from you
- i'm sorry i get jealous of you and what you have
-i'm sorry i'm not who you needed me to be
- i'm sorry i'm not who you wanted me to be
- i'm sorry i sometimes hate myself
-i'm sorry i sometimes pick myself apart until there is nothing left that i like
- i'm sorry that i still want to turn to cutting
- i'm sorry that whenever i see a sharp object i think about all the reasons of why i could pull it across my skin
-i'm sorry i'm not her
- i'm sorry that i could never be her
- i'm sorry i never want to be her
- i'm sorry i get selfish
- i'm sorry i can be self centered
- i'm sorry that i don't give a damn about your problems
- i'm sorry i dont always want to hear about why you are so upset, it is always the same
- i'm sorry i want you to take care of your problems on your own
- i'm sorry i pushed you away
- i'm sorry i'm not a stronger person
-i'm sorry i let everything get to me
-i'm sorry that i reject you
- i'm sorry that i want to be alone
- i'm sorry you got hurt
-i'm sorry i let you use me
- i'm sorry i still dream about you
- i'm sorry i want you to come back
- i'm sorry i smiled when i heard you were doing so poorly
- i'm sorry i got a little happier when i learned you were worse off without me
- i'm sorry i thought if you would still be in this position if you had never left me
- i'm sorry you don't have your life together
-i'm sorry i dont trust you
- i'm sorry i have trust issues
- i'm sorry you gave me trust issues
- i'm sorry i will never completely let you in
- i'm sorry i won't let you see all of my weaknesses
-i'm sorry and you will never know why
-i'm not sorry that i hurt you, you needed to grow up
- i'm not always sorry im better off without you here
- i'm not sorry that i won't take you back
- i'm not sorry that i won't ever let you touch me again
- i'm not sorry that i am growing up and i don't want your dramatic life style
-i'm not sorry i gave you a second chance for you to blow. I tried you didn't
-i'm not sorry that i didn't want to meet him that day and i lost your friendship because of that
-i'm not sorry i told you to grow up
- i'm not sorry your not in my life, you only brought me down
- i'm not sorry i know about what you have done
- i'm not sorry i cut you out of my life
- i'm not sorry i gave up on you
- i'm not sorry i continue to fight for what i want
- i'm not sorry that i can be better than you in some aspects
- i'm sorry i lied to you
- i'm not sorry i let you use me a second time...i learned from it
-i'm not sorry i let you in my heart
- i'm not sorry i didn't let you in
- i'm not sorry that i haven't let you in yet
- i'm not sorry that i'm scared to know the truth
- i'm not sorry that i don't want to know the truth
- i'm not sorry i'm human and make mistakes
- i'm not sorry i'm not always who you expect me to be.
- i'm not sorry that you are a prick
- i'm not sorry that you hurt me
- i'm not sorry you almost distroyed me
- i'm not sorry i rose from the ashes of my past with you to become a stronger person
- i'm not sorry that i'm not a shallow bitch like you
- i'm not sorry i wont give up on my beliefs
- i'm not sorry i loved you
- i'm not sorry that i won't give up on myself
- i'm not sorry that i don't quite know who i am
- i'm not sorry that i don't hide my scars
-i'm not sorry that i will let you know that you hurt me
- i'm not sorry that i am allowing myself to be happy
- i'm not sorry for who i am...most of the time

I dont think

~ I dont think you understand how horrible i feel. I am so sorry, and i dont think you would even care to know that i am. That i have cried several times because i hurt you. I don't know what else i can do. I didn't mean to lead you on, I even distanced myself from you to try and help the situation. I didn't want to hurt you and i knoew that no matter what i was going to. And it sucks it sucks to know that you are going to hurt a person you care deeply about. I just dont even know what to do. How i can express how horrible i feel. My heart aches for the pain i have caused. And i doubt that you would even believe and I dont really give a shit if you don't because i know its true. What was i supposed to do? Live in a lie so i didn't hurt or disapoint anyone because i knew ALOT of people wanted to see us together, always would say how "cute" we were. Well I'm fucking sorry that i couldn't live a lie anymore. I'm sorry i distanced myself from you in the hopes that you would get the idea so i didn't have to say anything! I was a fucking coward i admit it! I should have fucking said something long before i met Him. I was scared to, I was scared of your reaction, I was scared on how things would go down, I was scared of hurting you and getting disapointed looks from everyone. I feel so bad, I really do. I was scared of losing a really good friend which will probably end up happining anyway. When he came to get me I was hoping that you would have been gone by then, I was hoping that you would have stayed inside. How was i supposed to know that i would have fallen so hard and so fast?? How the hell was i supposed to know this! Don't ever think that I didn't care or give a damn. Because i do more than you know. Would i feel so bad if I didn't? At first i liked you, at first i wanted to make things work out. But as time went out i couldn't see us together at all and how could I help that? And what made it even harder were people putting pressure on me to see it out to give it a shot when in my heart I knew it wouldn't happen. My biggest fear is to disapoint people. That is why I did nothing and ya I admit it was a bit fucked up. But I don't think I lead you on that much. I NEVER kissed you! NEVER said i wanted you to be mine. And like i mentioned before I FUCKING DISTANCED MYSELF! I HARDLY EVER SAW YOU!!! So here you go, again I'm sorry and i don't think you give a shit.

breakdown

~I am so nervous, scared, and worried. I know it could be nothing and go away. But what if its not nothing? what if if turns into something horrible?? Its so hard to sit and wait for that damn call telling me if i have...pre cancerous cells or not. Who knows how long it will be until i get the call. I thought i was...ugh. I dont want to deal with this I want it to go away. And sometimes it does, the body gets rid of what is causing the irregular cells. I just really hope that this is my case.

~ It's hard when you are happy but when someone you care about is so miserable because of me. I feel like a horrible bitch. I should have said something sooner. I really did want it to happen but no matter how hard i tried i just couldn't make it happen. I am so sorry. I dont know what else to say. I don't know what i can do.

~ I am tired, tired of taking on everyones emotions. This is what i do. I will take on your emotional stress and add it to my own. I dont know why I do this but i do and I break down everynow and then. I can feel my breakdown point coming and i am not happy about it. But this is who i am and what i do.

~ I am worried i will be compared to the others. And I dont want to be.

~ I miss life when it wasn't complicated and when it was easy and not stressful. I wish we could all go back to that point.

I cant sleep

~ Or breathe. I think and it takes my breath away. Only mine? could i have that? I want it but im scared...so scared that they will run away like the others.

~ In and out...just breathe...its hard. help

wanting.wishing.waiting.

~ I am such a girl, waiting all night for a phone call that i doubt will come. I got my hopes a little bit up, a very tiny bit like less than an inch up. But me not trusting in people proved me right again. I mean you never said that you would call i just hoped that you would... it sucks majorly. I just wish that i could find something stable and secure and long lasting. I thought it was ironic that i used your name in a story...maybe my story will come true. I know it will it just depends on when. I'm so sick of sleeping alone.

~ I miss you...i want you back...you dont want me...i dont need you...it would be bad for me...i know this...you were like an adicition i couldn't quit until it was quit for me...I see things and pictures and think that that should be me we should be there...but you left...im still trying to get over it in someways and i dont know why I thought i was over it. I guess in some way i will never COMPLELTY be over it because you were major part of my life.

~ I remember the last time i was single...its so different from now. Then i could go maybe a week without a kiss...this time its been a month. I wonder if there is something wrong with me. Is there something i can change? Or am i just learning to grow up and wait for things to happen. Waiting sucks...being patient is lame.

~ When will my true love happen to me? I'm sick of waiting. My heart hurts. And i turn to You my God. I turn to you for help and it does help and i know that everything happens in your time not mine. And when i am ready you will let it happen for me. I just wish that you would send him to me soon. Or not have it be forever.

~It sucks needing to talk to your best friend and have them never answer their phone. It sucks getting made fun of one way or another at work. I have low self esteeem as it is i dont need their crap as well. I think it might be time to move onto something better.

~I'm still getting sick of getting ditched and always making plans. I've tried not to do anything about it i get to lonely just waiting talking to no one. But sometimes I wonder if some of you would ever get ahold of me if I stopped talking to you and i generally lean towards yes. You have people more important than me that you can go to for friendship. I still feel like a second resort to some of you. I just want to give up on so many things but i cant. I'm to stubborn to give up I just have to remember that.

~ I see what you are doing knock it the hell off it will get you no where.

~ I've realized that your not into me considering i hardly see you. You say you miss me than do something about it.

~ Why is it that when something good happens or i think something good could happen it never does? Maybe I am just jumping ahead of myself its only been a little time its had been hardly anything.

~ Apparently i have an attitude sometimes...you would to if you were in my shoes.

~ I'm done.

out of the loop.

Lately i've been feeling out of the loop. On the outside of everything. Kind of like an outsider. I dont feel like i really belong anywhere. Even at Castle my home i feel out of the cirlce. Its like someone has been telling a joke and i constantly walk in on the punch line and no one wants to tell it again. It really sucks.

I never said thank you for that now i will never have a chance

~ Two years ago last night you shot yourself. Two years ago today you died. It still hurts as much as it did then and i think about you all the time. I miss you so much my friend. I can only pray for comfort for everyone that you touched in your life on this hard day.

~ I dreamt about you last night. And being with you again. It really pissed me off. I just want you out of my head.

~ I have so many emotions today especially dealing with the thoughts of my good friend dying today. I just want to go back home and go to bed and sleep this day away.

sometimes

Sometimes i love you....sometimes i want to punch you in the face.

thoughts

~ So i'm really enjoying doing my quite times in the morning it makes me day that much better. I feel happier and more ready to take on the world with a positive outlook.

~ I was hanging out with Paul, Kat, Brandon and Ian A. last night and came to the realization(which i have come to many times before) that I'm glad me and Chris aren't together anymore. If I was still with him i wouldn't have been there last night. I wouldn't have some amazing friends or amazing times working at castle. I would be to busy wanting to spend my time with him. Brandon and I are reading this book called "He's not that into you" and it had a whole section last night about alcoholics and drug users. And I know that he loved his drugs and alcohol more than me if it came down to it he would have chosen those things over me which is sad. I know that I deserve better. I deserve a man that will love me more than anything else(except God) and wont be verbally abusive when he is drinking. And this amazing man will find me its just a matter of time of when it happens and when God wants it to happen. I just have to have faith that it will happen.

Hiding

~ So i started my deviotional today...it was really good i just wish that each day was a little longer. Im also going to start reading Job. Today in my devitional it was talking about how Adam and Eve hid from God because they were naked and ashamed but God still knew they were there. What really hit me hard is how long i have been "hiding" from God, He knows im there and i know that He is still there. I just have been straying and not want to work on my relationship with Him because its hard. Its hard to give up everything and say here take my life show me what to do. I wandered wanting to make my own choices my own decisions and not invlolving Him at all. But after this year of having Chris leave me which broke me down, and loosing good friends and moving out and feeling all alone I realized that i really do need God to be a major part of my life, and I am happier when he is. I am planning on going back to church. I am going to start going to southeast I just pray that i will be welcomed back again and feel accepted. I know that Rachel should be there and that will help.

~ Irony of the day, I see a homeless man on my way to work and give him some extra money because i felt convicted to. I go to wendy's to get food and my card didnt work. I went to a ATM and they couldnt access my information. For some reason a block was put on my card. But i got it fixed and its all good. No good deed goes unpunished right? lol

~ Also my car likes to randomly stop...engine turns off this is no bueno im hoping after getting the oil, air filter changed it will be back to normal because i dont have money to take it to Bob again.

ugh

its freaking hard to find a burgundy dress!! and the one i did find and like is sold out...lame

Poor excuse

~ I didnt start my devotional last night because i didnt have a highlighter to highlight stuff...lame excuse right? But today i will start it i promised myself this.

~ I am getting a little sick of feeling like i am always initating plans and always asking people to go do something. I cant even remember the last time i got asked to do something sad right? So the new plan is to stop asking all together and see how long it will take this will be my little experiment. Maybe i also wont text anyone today either....Its things like this that make me feel like im easily replaceable. Also the fact that when i ask certain friends to hangout they say things that translate to" ya i will chill with you if nothing better comes up, but if something or someone better comes up your out of luck" It makes me feel like im a freaking last resort and that sucks.

~ If i disapeared would you care? i doubt it you would go on with life and make someone else your last resort.

i lied

im going to the store to get lettuce tomato and onion...hopefully it wont cost more than $5 : )

Stupid title

~ Okay so i bought a new bible and a daily devotional. Lets hope that i do this everyday.


~ My car is still good.

~ I want money to buy food that i actually want. I want some new food to eat...but i need to save money to pay bills. Growing up is lame sometimes.

looking up

~My car is fixed YAY!! and it only cost me $94, thats way less than i was expecting and it makes me happy.

~ I need a bible study to do on my own....hmmmm

Yay God.

~ So sleeping by yourself in a house where you think "restless spirits" might be= no fun. My door locked front door opened by itself twice the other day. And apparently Caleb sees things and thinks that there are restless spirits there. He said they are not bad but still they it freaked me out considering that Brandon was staying castle so i was all alone. I talked to Rachel and she says that she doesn't know if there is anything there or not. I cried alot last night my mom wanted to come get but I decided to stick it out through the night. I prayed alot..and i mean ALOT. I also had worship music playing almost all night and read this present darkness for the cool angel parts. Its amazing how praying for God to send me an Angel to watch over me(apparently my mom also prayed for me.) and asking him to calm me down really works. I mean i was calm collected had no nightmares and fell asleep really easily. It was amazing that is all i can say. Its nights like these when my beliefs in God really stand out for me. When he is there listening and comforting me. I like to think that he did send me an Angel to watch over me just in case : ) God is amazing the end. Daily quiet times will be starting soon.

~ Go see the new Batman movie. Its Epic the end.

~Jokes about Heath Ledger's death are not funny...at all. Grow up.

~ You really hurt my feelings and offended me the other night. I'm not sure if you did it on purpose or not. But im not going to say anything because that is how i am...P.S. I saw what you were doing and did. Not cool...not cool at all.

~ My feet are freezing stupid work.

hmmmmm

Its not that i dont trust you i just want to be safe...



No its that you dont trust me.

breaking down.

~ So my car is leaking coolant cool right? hopefully its nothing to horrible Chaz is coming over tonight to look at it again. Thank God for Chaz im not sure what i would do if i didnt have him in my life. It just frustrating right when things are looking up and looking like i might get out of this funk BAM! My car decides to be stupid can't i just have like one day of complete happiness without being overwhelmed, frustrated, or depressed because something shitty happens? That would be really awesome. This is the ONLY time i wish that i was talking with Chris so that i could get my money he owes me(which i doubt i will ever get) to help me out. We owe our land lord like $400 friday, my phone bill is due saturday, and we owe rent on the 1st and im sure there are some other bills in there that i forgot about. Plus i owe my mom some money and if my car needs to go to Bob my mechanic i doubt that i could afford it or even get it down there without it overheating and dying. I just hope that we can fix my car tonight that would be fantastic. I just want to keep my head above water and not feel so overwhelmed.

~ I was weak last night and i give in please forgive me whoever is angry at me. I hate that whenever i get upset that that is the only thing i can think of to do, and sometimes do do. I need to get past that as well.

ugh...

~So im all moved in which makes me happy, but now my car is overheating. Chaz is coming over tonight so im hoping that we can figure out whats going on and it isnt anything to bad. Its just frustrating that whenever one thing goes right something else goes wrong but thats life right?

~So ive made up my mind and im having Him come over this weekend. You can get pissed if you want to but its my decision even it it is the wrong one.

~ I wish that i could make something happen there. I want to have it happen. Something is holding me back. When will our games end?

new home

So i am pretty much all moved in, i just have to put my dresser together and put my books away. I'm pretty excited! i dont think its quite hit me yet that im out on my own but whatever. ya thats all i have today. OH! i rediscovered my love for coheed and cambria good times. Good times.

sure rub it in my face.

~So last night my Ex texted me asked how i was what what new blah blah blah. And then he tells me that his girlfriend is pregnant, i already knew this but whatever. He said how happy he was and how excited he was and I told him good for him because i dont really give a rats ass. And then he told me thank you, have a good night. Did he text me just to rub it in my face that he has someone, they are going to have a family and that he is completely happy? Do I really even care? I am perfectly fine being single, I dont want to even think about having a family or getting married until im atleast 24 or 25. So kudos to you Kyle congrats that you are starting off early i never wanted that. LOL good job rubbing something in my face when i dont even care you are so special.

~So im planning on staying up all night to pack so i can move practically everything tommorrow. Tommorrow will be a very interesting day.

Less than three

Eat, Sleep Repeat.

~ Why do I keep on going back to you? Do i feel like being with you will make me feel like im worth something? make me feel like i am wanted, needed? You can build me up in one word. And completely tear me apart with a look, or a tone. I could still smell your cologne on me the last time i saw you. It made me sick to my stomach. After you left I cried, I cried longer and harder than i have in a long time. You dont love me and i dont love you. You wont even kiss me why is that? I dont need you nor do i want you to be mine. You actually really annoy me. You are to cocky to full of yourself. This brings me back to my origional question why do I go back to you? go back to all of that? Because it makes me forget everything for a little while. Because i dont have to think about how much pain i am in. Or how much i would love to be doing what i am doing with you, with someone who is worth it and deserves it. Plus with you im not breaking the promise i made to myself. Eventually our games will end i look foward to that day. But for now i will smile keep on a strong face. Not letting you know that what i am doing is tearing me apart inside. I will NEVER let you see me cry or let you see me when i am vulnerable. You will never know that i am not strong or not confidant or not happy with what i am doing. I am self harming myself in away that is not scaring my body. I dont need any more scars i have enough already. And scars on my heart always heal. Everytime i see you i am putting up another wall around my heart. Waiting for someone who is not you to tear it down. I want to be in control of this situation but it is spiriling out of control. It is now out of my hands.

~ And to you i realized that i am far better off without you. You would only bring me down. I am meant to do amazing things and i will leave you in my dust. I wish you all the best, eventhough i know that you will never do the best for you. You will constantly do the worst for you. I self destruct everynow and then but you do it everyday.

~ Okay and time for an update im moving out this weekend with my dear friend Brandon. I am scared and excited at the same time. This is not how i thought i would be moving out but that is life things constantly change. Send me prayers and wish me luck. I have several goals for when i move out.
1. Tone up and loose some weight by eating better and excercising for atleast three days a week.
2. Finish my Bible study and do daily quite times with God.
3. Figure out who i am and what i want in life.
thats it for now im sure more will come. I will try to update this everyday or everyother day.

Less than Three