Patron Saints are we all lost like you?

Sigh..... Its hard when you repress memories to forget them so that you don't have to feel anything and then they come back to you. Like our last night together holding eachother so closely not wanting to loose eachother but knowing that the end has come. I don't want to remember that night I want to forget it. I want to repress it. I want to never think about it ever again. I don't want that night in my memory. I don't want our last week together in my memory. The hurt and anger and worry and praying that this wasn't the end praying that this was a dream that it would all go away and that it never happened. That we would have our happily ever afer that all of our fights would end and that your drinking would end. Sometimes I wish that that would still have happened that I would be living with you and that we would be happy forever and ever. I just wish I could go back to what I had. Its to hard to face the future alone. I have friends who I love dearly but I miss our companionship. Somedays its still hard to go to sleep and I still dream about you everynow and then. I think deep down I know that we would have never worked out but It was a nice dream that ended to quickly in my opinion. And the worst thing is that I never saw it coming. I wish I could talk to you and yell at you and tell you how much you hurt me. Everynow and then I wish that you would call me and apologize and ask for me to come back to you. But I know that won't happen. I am also mad that you slept with a whore and "fell in love" with her so soon after what we had ended. Did I ever mean anything to you at all? I know I did but it still makes me question it.

Life is so stressful lately. No job, and little money. I have an interview tommorrow and I am praying that I get the job. I really need it. I need alot of things. Alot I know I will have to wait for. I just hope this isn't something that I will have to wait for. I just need a break. I need a week, a day to not stress to not worry and to just be.

I wish that some people saw me more than just a piece of ass. I have gotten to many texts lately from people wanting a booty call. Its like I have feelings and emotions. I think sometimes I may do it just to stop the pain for just a little while. I just don't know how much longer I can do this. Be rejected, be made into an object, be overlooked, be forgotten. I have had several friends lately forget me just because someone "better" came along.

I have been listening to Anberlin alot. I reheard Fin today and it seems fitting for me and my life lately.

Feels like I'm miles from here in other towns
With lesser names where lonely ghost doesn't tell
Merry old William exactly what they want to hear
You remember the house that we drew
Told you and the devil to both just leave me alone
If this is salvation I can show you the trembling
You'll just have to trust meI'm scared
I am the patron saint of lost causes
Aren't we all to you just near lost causes
Are we all to you just lost?
Tell me you're left behind
Something you'll mean everything right before you die
But if you gain the world
You've already lost four little souls from your life
Widows and orphans are hard to find
Their home is in daddy who's saving you random tonight
Where's your drink? And would hurry and kill you
Sympathy's better than having to tell you the truth
That you are the patron saint of lost causes
All you are to them is now a lost cause
All you are to them is now causes
Billy, don't you understand?
Timothy stood as long as he could
You made his faith disappear
More like a magician
And less like a man of the cloth
We're not questioning God
Just those he chose to carry on his cause
We'll grow better, you'll see
Just all of us, the lost causesAren't we all to you just lost causes?
Aren't we all to you lost?Lost causes
Aren't we all to you
Is all we are, is all we are
What we are is all we are
Patron Saint, are we all lost like you?
Patron Saint, are we all lost like you?
Patron Saint, are we all lost like you?
Patron Saint, are we all lost like you?
Patron Saint, are we all lost like you? (Lost causes, all we are is all we are)
Patron Saint, are we all lost like you? (To you, lost...
)Patron Saint, are we all lost like you?
Patron Saint, are we all lost like you?
Patron Saint, are we all lost like you?
They just saved all of the lost, like you
They just saved all of the lost, like you
They just saved all of the lost, like you
He just saved all of the lost, like you
They just saved all of the lost, like you(Lost causes, we are is all we are)
They just saved all of the lost, like you(To you, lost causes)
They just saved all of the lost, like you
They just saved all of the lost, like you
They just saved all of the lost, like you
He just saved
Take what you will, what you will
And leave. Could you kill, could you kill me
If the world was on fire and nothing was left but hope or desire
And take all that I could bring forth, is this hell
Or am I on the floor over-desperate?
Hold hands streaming of blood again?
And then take full weight of me Guard my dreams, figure this out, It's me on my own.
Helpless, hurting, hell
Will you stay strong as you promised?
Cause I'm stranded and bare.
Meanness is washed up in all that I am is God.
Take this and all,Then grace takes me to a place
Of the father you never had
Ripping and breaking and tearing apart
This is not heaven
This is my hell.
Its an amazing song. I recommend checking it out.

Thats it for me I think. Hopefully my feeling of feeling like a lost cause will end soon.