I never said thank you for that now i will never have a chance

~ Two years ago last night you shot yourself. Two years ago today you died. It still hurts as much as it did then and i think about you all the time. I miss you so much my friend. I can only pray for comfort for everyone that you touched in your life on this hard day.

~ I dreamt about you last night. And being with you again. It really pissed me off. I just want you out of my head.

~ I have so many emotions today especially dealing with the thoughts of my good friend dying today. I just want to go back home and go to bed and sleep this day away.

sometimes

Sometimes i love you....sometimes i want to punch you in the face.

thoughts

~ So i'm really enjoying doing my quite times in the morning it makes me day that much better. I feel happier and more ready to take on the world with a positive outlook.

~ I was hanging out with Paul, Kat, Brandon and Ian A. last night and came to the realization(which i have come to many times before) that I'm glad me and Chris aren't together anymore. If I was still with him i wouldn't have been there last night. I wouldn't have some amazing friends or amazing times working at castle. I would be to busy wanting to spend my time with him. Brandon and I are reading this book called "He's not that into you" and it had a whole section last night about alcoholics and drug users. And I know that he loved his drugs and alcohol more than me if it came down to it he would have chosen those things over me which is sad. I know that I deserve better. I deserve a man that will love me more than anything else(except God) and wont be verbally abusive when he is drinking. And this amazing man will find me its just a matter of time of when it happens and when God wants it to happen. I just have to have faith that it will happen.

Hiding

~ So i started my deviotional today...it was really good i just wish that each day was a little longer. Im also going to start reading Job. Today in my devitional it was talking about how Adam and Eve hid from God because they were naked and ashamed but God still knew they were there. What really hit me hard is how long i have been "hiding" from God, He knows im there and i know that He is still there. I just have been straying and not want to work on my relationship with Him because its hard. Its hard to give up everything and say here take my life show me what to do. I wandered wanting to make my own choices my own decisions and not invlolving Him at all. But after this year of having Chris leave me which broke me down, and loosing good friends and moving out and feeling all alone I realized that i really do need God to be a major part of my life, and I am happier when he is. I am planning on going back to church. I am going to start going to southeast I just pray that i will be welcomed back again and feel accepted. I know that Rachel should be there and that will help.

~ Irony of the day, I see a homeless man on my way to work and give him some extra money because i felt convicted to. I go to wendy's to get food and my card didnt work. I went to a ATM and they couldnt access my information. For some reason a block was put on my card. But i got it fixed and its all good. No good deed goes unpunished right? lol

~ Also my car likes to randomly stop...engine turns off this is no bueno im hoping after getting the oil, air filter changed it will be back to normal because i dont have money to take it to Bob again.

ugh

its freaking hard to find a burgundy dress!! and the one i did find and like is sold out...lame

Poor excuse

~ I didnt start my devotional last night because i didnt have a highlighter to highlight stuff...lame excuse right? But today i will start it i promised myself this.

~ I am getting a little sick of feeling like i am always initating plans and always asking people to go do something. I cant even remember the last time i got asked to do something sad right? So the new plan is to stop asking all together and see how long it will take this will be my little experiment. Maybe i also wont text anyone today either....Its things like this that make me feel like im easily replaceable. Also the fact that when i ask certain friends to hangout they say things that translate to" ya i will chill with you if nothing better comes up, but if something or someone better comes up your out of luck" It makes me feel like im a freaking last resort and that sucks.

~ If i disapeared would you care? i doubt it you would go on with life and make someone else your last resort.

i lied

im going to the store to get lettuce tomato and onion...hopefully it wont cost more than $5 : )

Stupid title

~ Okay so i bought a new bible and a daily devotional. Lets hope that i do this everyday.


~ My car is still good.

~ I want money to buy food that i actually want. I want some new food to eat...but i need to save money to pay bills. Growing up is lame sometimes.

looking up

~My car is fixed YAY!! and it only cost me $94, thats way less than i was expecting and it makes me happy.

~ I need a bible study to do on my own....hmmmm

Yay God.

~ So sleeping by yourself in a house where you think "restless spirits" might be= no fun. My door locked front door opened by itself twice the other day. And apparently Caleb sees things and thinks that there are restless spirits there. He said they are not bad but still they it freaked me out considering that Brandon was staying castle so i was all alone. I talked to Rachel and she says that she doesn't know if there is anything there or not. I cried alot last night my mom wanted to come get but I decided to stick it out through the night. I prayed alot..and i mean ALOT. I also had worship music playing almost all night and read this present darkness for the cool angel parts. Its amazing how praying for God to send me an Angel to watch over me(apparently my mom also prayed for me.) and asking him to calm me down really works. I mean i was calm collected had no nightmares and fell asleep really easily. It was amazing that is all i can say. Its nights like these when my beliefs in God really stand out for me. When he is there listening and comforting me. I like to think that he did send me an Angel to watch over me just in case : ) God is amazing the end. Daily quiet times will be starting soon.

~ Go see the new Batman movie. Its Epic the end.

~Jokes about Heath Ledger's death are not funny...at all. Grow up.

~ You really hurt my feelings and offended me the other night. I'm not sure if you did it on purpose or not. But im not going to say anything because that is how i am...P.S. I saw what you were doing and did. Not cool...not cool at all.

~ My feet are freezing stupid work.

hmmmmm

Its not that i dont trust you i just want to be safe...



No its that you dont trust me.

breaking down.

~ So my car is leaking coolant cool right? hopefully its nothing to horrible Chaz is coming over tonight to look at it again. Thank God for Chaz im not sure what i would do if i didnt have him in my life. It just frustrating right when things are looking up and looking like i might get out of this funk BAM! My car decides to be stupid can't i just have like one day of complete happiness without being overwhelmed, frustrated, or depressed because something shitty happens? That would be really awesome. This is the ONLY time i wish that i was talking with Chris so that i could get my money he owes me(which i doubt i will ever get) to help me out. We owe our land lord like $400 friday, my phone bill is due saturday, and we owe rent on the 1st and im sure there are some other bills in there that i forgot about. Plus i owe my mom some money and if my car needs to go to Bob my mechanic i doubt that i could afford it or even get it down there without it overheating and dying. I just hope that we can fix my car tonight that would be fantastic. I just want to keep my head above water and not feel so overwhelmed.

~ I was weak last night and i give in please forgive me whoever is angry at me. I hate that whenever i get upset that that is the only thing i can think of to do, and sometimes do do. I need to get past that as well.

ugh...

~So im all moved in which makes me happy, but now my car is overheating. Chaz is coming over tonight so im hoping that we can figure out whats going on and it isnt anything to bad. Its just frustrating that whenever one thing goes right something else goes wrong but thats life right?

~So ive made up my mind and im having Him come over this weekend. You can get pissed if you want to but its my decision even it it is the wrong one.

~ I wish that i could make something happen there. I want to have it happen. Something is holding me back. When will our games end?

new home

So i am pretty much all moved in, i just have to put my dresser together and put my books away. I'm pretty excited! i dont think its quite hit me yet that im out on my own but whatever. ya thats all i have today. OH! i rediscovered my love for coheed and cambria good times. Good times.

sure rub it in my face.

~So last night my Ex texted me asked how i was what what new blah blah blah. And then he tells me that his girlfriend is pregnant, i already knew this but whatever. He said how happy he was and how excited he was and I told him good for him because i dont really give a rats ass. And then he told me thank you, have a good night. Did he text me just to rub it in my face that he has someone, they are going to have a family and that he is completely happy? Do I really even care? I am perfectly fine being single, I dont want to even think about having a family or getting married until im atleast 24 or 25. So kudos to you Kyle congrats that you are starting off early i never wanted that. LOL good job rubbing something in my face when i dont even care you are so special.

~So im planning on staying up all night to pack so i can move practically everything tommorrow. Tommorrow will be a very interesting day.

Less than three

Eat, Sleep Repeat.

~ Why do I keep on going back to you? Do i feel like being with you will make me feel like im worth something? make me feel like i am wanted, needed? You can build me up in one word. And completely tear me apart with a look, or a tone. I could still smell your cologne on me the last time i saw you. It made me sick to my stomach. After you left I cried, I cried longer and harder than i have in a long time. You dont love me and i dont love you. You wont even kiss me why is that? I dont need you nor do i want you to be mine. You actually really annoy me. You are to cocky to full of yourself. This brings me back to my origional question why do I go back to you? go back to all of that? Because it makes me forget everything for a little while. Because i dont have to think about how much pain i am in. Or how much i would love to be doing what i am doing with you, with someone who is worth it and deserves it. Plus with you im not breaking the promise i made to myself. Eventually our games will end i look foward to that day. But for now i will smile keep on a strong face. Not letting you know that what i am doing is tearing me apart inside. I will NEVER let you see me cry or let you see me when i am vulnerable. You will never know that i am not strong or not confidant or not happy with what i am doing. I am self harming myself in away that is not scaring my body. I dont need any more scars i have enough already. And scars on my heart always heal. Everytime i see you i am putting up another wall around my heart. Waiting for someone who is not you to tear it down. I want to be in control of this situation but it is spiriling out of control. It is now out of my hands.

~ And to you i realized that i am far better off without you. You would only bring me down. I am meant to do amazing things and i will leave you in my dust. I wish you all the best, eventhough i know that you will never do the best for you. You will constantly do the worst for you. I self destruct everynow and then but you do it everyday.

~ Okay and time for an update im moving out this weekend with my dear friend Brandon. I am scared and excited at the same time. This is not how i thought i would be moving out but that is life things constantly change. Send me prayers and wish me luck. I have several goals for when i move out.
1. Tone up and loose some weight by eating better and excercising for atleast three days a week.
2. Finish my Bible study and do daily quite times with God.
3. Figure out who i am and what i want in life.
thats it for now im sure more will come. I will try to update this everyday or everyother day.

Less than Three