out of the loop.

Lately i've been feeling out of the loop. On the outside of everything. Kind of like an outsider. I dont feel like i really belong anywhere. Even at Castle my home i feel out of the cirlce. Its like someone has been telling a joke and i constantly walk in on the punch line and no one wants to tell it again. It really sucks.

I never said thank you for that now i will never have a chance

~ Two years ago last night you shot yourself. Two years ago today you died. It still hurts as much as it did then and i think about you all the time. I miss you so much my friend. I can only pray for comfort for everyone that you touched in your life on this hard day.

~ I dreamt about you last night. And being with you again. It really pissed me off. I just want you out of my head.

~ I have so many emotions today especially dealing with the thoughts of my good friend dying today. I just want to go back home and go to bed and sleep this day away.

sometimes

Sometimes i love you....sometimes i want to punch you in the face.

thoughts

~ So i'm really enjoying doing my quite times in the morning it makes me day that much better. I feel happier and more ready to take on the world with a positive outlook.

~ I was hanging out with Paul, Kat, Brandon and Ian A. last night and came to the realization(which i have come to many times before) that I'm glad me and Chris aren't together anymore. If I was still with him i wouldn't have been there last night. I wouldn't have some amazing friends or amazing times working at castle. I would be to busy wanting to spend my time with him. Brandon and I are reading this book called "He's not that into you" and it had a whole section last night about alcoholics and drug users. And I know that he loved his drugs and alcohol more than me if it came down to it he would have chosen those things over me which is sad. I know that I deserve better. I deserve a man that will love me more than anything else(except God) and wont be verbally abusive when he is drinking. And this amazing man will find me its just a matter of time of when it happens and when God wants it to happen. I just have to have faith that it will happen.

Hiding

~ So i started my deviotional today...it was really good i just wish that each day was a little longer. Im also going to start reading Job. Today in my devitional it was talking about how Adam and Eve hid from God because they were naked and ashamed but God still knew they were there. What really hit me hard is how long i have been "hiding" from God, He knows im there and i know that He is still there. I just have been straying and not want to work on my relationship with Him because its hard. Its hard to give up everything and say here take my life show me what to do. I wandered wanting to make my own choices my own decisions and not invlolving Him at all. But after this year of having Chris leave me which broke me down, and loosing good friends and moving out and feeling all alone I realized that i really do need God to be a major part of my life, and I am happier when he is. I am planning on going back to church. I am going to start going to southeast I just pray that i will be welcomed back again and feel accepted. I know that Rachel should be there and that will help.

~ Irony of the day, I see a homeless man on my way to work and give him some extra money because i felt convicted to. I go to wendy's to get food and my card didnt work. I went to a ATM and they couldnt access my information. For some reason a block was put on my card. But i got it fixed and its all good. No good deed goes unpunished right? lol

~ Also my car likes to randomly stop...engine turns off this is no bueno im hoping after getting the oil, air filter changed it will be back to normal because i dont have money to take it to Bob again.

ugh

its freaking hard to find a burgundy dress!! and the one i did find and like is sold out...lame

Poor excuse

~ I didnt start my devotional last night because i didnt have a highlighter to highlight stuff...lame excuse right? But today i will start it i promised myself this.

~ I am getting a little sick of feeling like i am always initating plans and always asking people to go do something. I cant even remember the last time i got asked to do something sad right? So the new plan is to stop asking all together and see how long it will take this will be my little experiment. Maybe i also wont text anyone today either....Its things like this that make me feel like im easily replaceable. Also the fact that when i ask certain friends to hangout they say things that translate to" ya i will chill with you if nothing better comes up, but if something or someone better comes up your out of luck" It makes me feel like im a freaking last resort and that sucks.

~ If i disapeared would you care? i doubt it you would go on with life and make someone else your last resort.